Anxiety

When I was younger, I didn't believe in anxiety. As I have gotten older, I have gotten wiser. Now I know for a fact there is anxiety and I also know that I suffer from random attacks of it. Usually I get an attack every couple months when I remember that I forgot to turn in some random paperwork at work, but this isn't that simple anymore. You may think that my anxiety is fueled by my upcoming nuptuals, but actually it isn't. My anxiety attacks that I have had for the past two evenings deal with me moving out of my grandfather's house. I'm certainly not worried that BJ and I are going to move in together and end up hating each other because if he can stand me through 2 years of wedding planning, then he can stand to live with me. Instead I am worried about my grandpa. I know that I haven't been around his house as much as I should/could have been over the past 15 months of residency there, but for some reason the thought of moving out of there and leaving him alone is really upsetting to me. I know that I am supposed to grow up and move on with my life, but I feel like I am leaving him behind in a way. I know that he is a very lonely man (which is self induced, mostly) and that his 3 bedroom house is way too big for him, but I just feel like by me living there, that I made the past year a little easier on him. The house was rather empty when I moved in. I just feel like now there is going to be an even larger amount of emptiness in that house when I move out. When I first moved in, he told me that he felt so much better than he had in the months before and that he had more pep in his step. I worry that moving out will cause that to deteriorate...and I know he is deteriorating now, but I don't want the process to speed up... What causes me the most anxiety right now is picturing my grandpa, sitting in his favorite chair, alone, just staring off into the distance, with no one there to check on him and pick up the papers... And I know he is a very proud man and I know he won't just pick up the phone and call me or my mother... instead he would rather sit there and be miserable and lonely and wait for someone to call him. I am just struggling right now... I'm excited to be moving and finally living with Brendan, but at the same time, I don't want to make my grandpa's life even more lonely than it is now...

Two Tickets to Hell Please

So my fiance and I have been going to marriage counciling sessions (which are a complete waste of time.) Last night we had our final session. Before I tell you about this session, I need to give some history about this church...

We chose this church because it is 2 blocks away from my parents' house and my sister and I used to attend Brownie meetings there way back in the day. When we booked the church, there was an interum pastor there. A bit off the wall and crazy, but he was a good guy and a lot of fun to meet with. BJ and I went to 3 sessions with him, all of which revolved around ironing out our plans for the ceremony...none of which involved any sort of probing questions and the beginning of arguments. The last session we had with him, he gave us a work book to go through and wanted to go over it the next time we came in. Well, during that time between meetings, the church got a new pastor...so our last meeting was not going to be with the one we had met with previously...

So on Tuesday night we met with the new pastor...I seriously do not like this woman... She has decided that less than one month before the wedding, we need to change some things because they are not religious and have no place in the ceremony if they have no connection with God. That is understandable, but it would have been more understandable had this been 2 or 3 months ago...

So about me going to hell... during our session with the new pastor, she asked and more or less assumed that we had gone through the book already with the previous pastor. BJ and I both sat there, very quiet, until we both decided to shake our heads yes and not protest that we had not gone through the book yet. So...we were in a church and we lied to our pastor. Most people would view this as a very bad thing, but I'm always the optimist. I see this as good things and fun times to come with my future husband...who else would lie in church and to a pastor with me?

Wicked Witches...

Well, once again my sisters have plotted against me. When I got up from my nap yesterday, I decided I needed to go to my parents' house to check my email and do some wedding things. My father decides to tell me that I have a big package from Target downstairs. I immediately grab a knife and run (I know that is not safe, but there was a present waiting for me...) down to the basement to search for this box. When I find it sitting at the end of the pool table, my parents caught up and eagerly looked on as I cut the packing tape. I open the box to see a red velvet bag with little Target logos all over. I immediately reach for the present...but I was stopped. My father told me I had to read the card first...Card? What card? I only see a read bag standing between me and a present. I reach for the envelope in the bag and start to open it. Then I see a little sign that says "Don't ruin the surprise, open the gift first!" So I go back to trying to open the gift because I saw no other card. Mom then points out a tag on the string of the bag. I open the little card and the most important thing it says is that it is from my sisters and brother in law... I have now hit a major roadblock. Mom and Dad tell me that I can open the present if I call to get permission from my sisters (that isn't a good sign.) They inform me that I can't call one sister because her cell phone isn't working right. So I call the other sister, hoping that she will take pity and tell me yes (and if I get her permission then I don't have to call the one with the busted cell phone because I will have 2/3 majority vote for yes.) So I call and tell her all about this pretty box and she tells me "NO". I'm very certain I heard a little giggle and glee in her voice as she said this. So I begin to pout in my normal baby sister fashion. This seems to only entertain her more...Damn. So she continues on about how I can't open it until my bridal shower...which is still almost a month away. I of course devise a cleaver plan... I will get on my registry to check it out and see what has been purchased that would be the approximate size and weight. So I have decided that it is either my stand mixer, my crock pot, or something not on my registry. That wasn't very effective.

But today I had a chance to talk to the other sister. The eldest had told me the night before that it was both of their ideas to have it sent to me so early before my shower so that I could just look at it and be tortured by not knowing what is inside. Knowing this aweful piece of information, I held nothing back when I talked to her. I knew there was no way that I was going to get to open the present, even if she did say yes. Much to my dismay, I was told that my sister wanted to send it to me when I first got engaged (two years ago) and not let me open it until my shower. Biotch... But I realized through these conversations with my sisters that A) they have been plotting against me for awhile. B) they are ruthless. C) that I need to get them back. The one good thing about beating them to the alter is that payback is a bitch and I hold grudges.

I do love my sisters and I know they love me...but that is currently overshadowed by the fact that there is a present sitting down stairs for me that I can't touch. I think they found the best way to torture me...